Gift, Blessing, Custom: The Hidden Dowry in Arranged Marriages
"Is baar kitney paise lagaoge shaadi mai?"
In many arranged marriages, the question seldom sounds like an act of extortion. It comes over a cup of chai, in the guise of a practical smile, voiced by an uncle who insists he is just thinking of the future. He starts with the banquet hall, moves on to the guest list, and eventually brings up the house that the bride’s father is building. This is not called a demand. Everybody in the room knows that it is.
Dowry has been illegal in India since 1961 under the Dowry Prohibition Act. Nonetheless, research on over 74,000 marriages reveals that the rate increased from about 38% in the '20s to 88% by 1975, where it still stands today. A practice of such magnitude cannot persist in darkness. It persists by reinventing itself. The terms change, but the book stays open. The extortion becomes a present. The price becomes a blessing. The negotiation becomes custom.
The quiet survival depends largely on the architectural structure of the arranged marriages. In a love marriage, two individuals talk about their future plans directly. In an arranged marriage, it is done by parents, relatives act as go-betweens and the bride and groom usually know only the summaries. Financial details are conveyed using a coded language. The family starts with asking about bride's education, moves to the wealth of her father and concludes with the scale of celebration. Every question is innocent enough on its own, but together they make an invoice.
Studies related to online matchmaking show that old expectations can easily adapt to the new medium. The example of Rita and Somesh from Delhi shows how the tradition works nowadays. Somesh claimed that he didn't want anything and rejected a traditional list. But when they got married, he received a set of kitchenware and furniture as a present from Rita's father. He took everything since it was ritual. Rita also considered it usual for her community. There was no specific request made because there wasn't any need to, the systemic expectation took place before the first meeting.
But where politeness falls short, the true nature of the transaction is laid bare. For instance, in one reported case, a prospective bridegroom’s uncle demanded ten tolas (or around 100 grams) of gold. The bride’s father, who was already facing financial difficulties due to educational and marriage expenses, offered three tolas. The match almost came to naught because the issue was not the gold anymore; it was the contest of pride.
The custom has not faded away but received an upgraded re-labeling. In many instances, the young grooms declare that they do not need expensive furniture or household devices that they would need to move from one rented accommodation to another. They propose sending a lump sum straight to the bride’s bank account. The idea seems to be progressive; however, money transferred to the account on the pressure of marriage is still dowry money. The only difference is in how it is delivered. There has been much public discussion recently about the semantic trickery when car YouTuber who makes videos about cars posted the video of his wedding where he had received rupees 71 lakh and 21 tolas of gold from the bride's family as “daan” instead of “dahej”. The question raised immediately is: does the dressing up of a transaction with honorable or religious language alter the expectation itself?
The whole process gets added impetus through the wedding extravaganza culture. With the weddings becoming extravaganzas in India, average families set unrealistic yardsticks for themselves. One father earns a low income but borrows money to meet the yardstick set by visuals, whereas the groom’s side socialized by the same visuals feels entitled to that luxury.
When a gift morphs into an entitlement, the financial pressure can escalate into tragedy. In Kerala, the family of Vismaya V. Nair, a student of Ayurveda, said that 100 sovereigns of gold, one acre of land, and a car valued at ₹10 lakhs were given to her for marriage in 2020. It has been alleged that her husband was not satisfied with the car and asked for money in exchange. Money buys no safety either. In Greater Noida, 25-year-old Deepika Nagar succumbed to her fate 17 months after marriage which her family claimed cost nearly a crore. According to her father, she was gifted Rs 11 lakhs in cash, gold jewelry costing Rs 50 lakhs, luxury furniture, and an SUV, but still her in-laws demanded another Rs 51 lakhs and a luxury vehicle from her family.
It only goes to show that once generosity gets its price, none of it ever seems to be enough.
Arranged marriage need not necessarily be a dowry practice, and voluntary exchange of gifts between families should never be misconstrued as coercion. However, the test of the tradition can hardly be determined only by what is politely said on stage. The real test of any tradition does not depend on whether the bride’s family says that they have asked for nothing. It depends on whether the marriage would go ahead with the same respect, affection, and dignity even if the bride’s family did not give anything. Until the families have the guts to say this, the old problem will always come up with a smile behind chai – is baar kitney paise lagaoge?
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